Blaglash.com

I am really already sick of working in Coporate America.  The idea of a “corporate ladder” is frustrating, divisive and ANNOYING.  Entry-level jobs are fucking shitty, but what makes them worse is the people you work with.  Your boss and co-workers feel entitled to treating you like less of a human, simply because they are older and have been working at the specific company longer than you.

The day I started taking orders from someone who does not know how to speak ENGLISH correctly was the day I knew I would hate my job.  Here is my single requirement for employees that I would hypothetically hire:  Know the difference between “seen” “saw” and “see” and be able to use them in a conversation.

Here’s the thing:  Valuing certain employees less and treating them as if they were inferior to you just causes resentment.  So when you tell me I work on Saturdays, and I do it, please don’t treat me like shit and come back from your fucking business lunch late.  Because that pisses me off, and now I will be subtly engaging in employee warfare.  And I know how to win these kinds of subtle guerrilla wars. 

Some sabotage suggestions:

1.  Figure out their weakness, their insecurity.  This is important and enables you to cut their throat (metaphorically) at the exact proper moment.  ie:)”It’s so interesting that you live with your mother still!  What’s it like to be an adult living in the same house you lived in when you were a child?”

2.  Make them paranoid.  Laugh with your co-workers and tell jokes which exclude your target.  This sounds immature, I know, but it works.  for example) “I FINALLY figured out what he smells like!  Cheese and foot sandwich! ”

3.  Listen more than you talk.  This way you seem above any petty fray, but you’re able to stock up on ammunition.  exemplia gratia) When outside parties complain, keep it in mind.  “I am so sick of _____’s being on outside calls all the time!” 

4.  Lie.  Especially to customers.  Little ones, like say your boss is on vacation.  Say he goes on vacation a lot.

5.  Pretend you don’t undertsand what they’re asking of you.  THIS IS FUN.  When your boss makes little mistakes, you can use them against him/her to make them feel like they make MORE mistakes.  like this) “Oh, you said you wanted this done BY Thursday?  I thought you said to start it ON Thursday.  I’ll have it done by tomorrow!”  Use the word “misunderstanding” as much as possible, which makes it seem like both of your faults.  That way you can’t get into trouble.

6. Go to the bathroom at important times.  Right before meetings, when you’re needed.  The bathroom is an incontestable excuse. 

7.  Always act cheerful.  This will get annoying quickly, especially if your cheerfulness comes at inoportune moments, like a failed deal, missing money, etc.  This is frustrating for your boss, because they will be stressing out.

8.  Move things around in the bathroom and break room, especially in the refrigerator.  If you hide something your boss is looking for, finding it easily will make them feel stupid, especially if your boss is a man. 

9.  Overly compensate for any problems caused.  “Anything else I can do to fix this?” Is a good phrase, especially if the boss made a mistake.  If you made the mistake, pretend you don’t understand what happened or how the mistake was made and make your boss explain it to you in detail.  Then afterwards, when talking to someone else, act like you figured out the solution and take all the credit.

10.  Use frustrating language.  Be circuitous.  Some key phrases that are particularly frustraing:  “let’s circle back!”  “let’s resolve” “please advise” “share this with your team.”  Also, internet speak IRL serves to confuse and annoy, which will then enable you to exert your superiority and youth- reinforcing the point I made earlier about exploiting weakness and insecurity.  Old people have them and using “cc’d” “re:” “brb” and “ttyl” even as jokes makes them feel even older.